Personal story....
I sat there facing the doctor as his lips seemed to
say in slow motion, "Secondary Infertility." What? How could it
be. I was pregnanrt with our first child three months after our wedding...
it was a joke that we "obviously didn't have infertility problems."
Suddenly my womb was sealed?
I spent many hours crying. Hoping as I was
4...5...6 days late. Then I'd feel the sensation and know... another dream
just died. One more month until we could hope again. The cycles
became more and more emotionally painful. The question of, "Isn't it time
for DS to have a little brother or sister?" would cut like a knife.
Everywhere I turned there were round bellied women waiting for their miracle to
come.
We were in to this doctor. Back for
this test. Poked here. Prodded there. Hmmm... you're not
ovulating... try this. Didn't work... try that. Months trugged
into years. The adoption paperwork sat looming on the desk top.
Maybe this was God's answer? I spent more and more "knee time" talking
with God. A calm assurance came with the thought of adoption. I
searched programs in each and every country. Where God closed a door He
opened a window and then we were looking at adopting from India. A
girl... beautiful brown skin with deep dark eyes and hair. We announced
our excitement to friends and family.
Suddenly we were set into the whirlwind of horror
stories of adoption. Would this ever work? Were we going to fill the
hole in our hearts or make another deeper scar? Was it true that a child
over 24 months would never bond? Would we be left years from now with an
empty bank account and vacant arms? We prayed together and ... when alone
with God... knew all was well. Our paperwork was accepted. We were
on the short waiting list for a baby. The process was moving quickly
for other families. Our baby should be home at 12-18 months.
Then... it happened.
I sat on the stool staring at the blue plus
sign. What? Now? Why? How? My husband's
response was equally amazed. Somehow it didn't seem real. I
called the adoption agency (as was their policy) and was put on hold.
I asked my mom to go to the ultrasound appointment in case
the news was bad. There was that tiny beating heart and a wiggly
little baby. Wow. I thanked God whole heartedly and yet felt
unsure about the pregnancy. If I could become unable to concieve
after one, were there any guarentees I would be able to carry this
baby? What had once seemed second nature now seemed quite foreign and
scary. I shared my concerns at church. Everyone assured me
that I had been through enough before, this baby was going to be born
full term and healthy.
This appointment... that appointment... all's
well. I felt great. I was told I really glowed now. I felt
warm and alive again. 11 weeks..12 weeks... 13 weeks...Then... I felt
the sensation. Sure it was just spotting, but I knew. I knew the
baby was gone. It was a long trip to the ER. "We can't find a
heartbeat, but your hormone level is fine... just rest." Rest? Are
you serious? Who can sleep when their baby may be gone? I
called as soon at the OBGYN opened the next morning. With a bit of
persistance I was able to get in to see the NP. Still no heartbeat?
Across the hall to the ultrasound room. There was the outline of my
baby ... still... no heartbeat... gone to our Heavenly Father weeks
before. The dream slipped away through tears and
heartbreak.
We prayed hard and found comfort again in
adoption. Our son was getting older. Maybe a toddler would be a
better fit with him? Maybe a toddler would still be able to bond? I
called the agency. They had no toddlers. I emailed an agency
that a local family had given rave reviews. The reply came back,
"Call me in the morning. We have a child waiting." 5 months and
a lot of prayers later I flew into India to meet the three year old child
who was to be my daughter. I could feel God's hand proping me
up. How would she react? Would she love me? Would
we really love her? Would her brother accept her? How would our
family feel about a child who didn't look like us? Could we ever be a
"normal" family?
That day is still a haze. Everything moved in
slow motion as the cab pulled into the orphanage driveway. It was a
slow walk up the stairs until... there... I saw her... head of
curls... frightened little eyes. She walked to me and in that
moment God let me feel complete and total peace. She reached
up, locked her arms around my neck and didn't let go. She was
mine.
I understand not everyone is called to adopt, but
if you are, don't be discouraged. Five years later our family is
completely "normal." We may not look like a typical family... we've
returned to the orphanage for a 9 year old and a 5 year old. Although
we missed the first years of their lives it feels like they've been in our
family forever.Reputable agencies keep fees resonable. You can find a way financially. There are Christian
grants available. "Older" children (over 5) often have reduced fees.
I would not want to push someone to adopt... it has to come as a call from
God. Just don't be afraid to answer the call if it comes.
I haven't thought about secondary infertility for
years. It faded into the back of my mind until someone at church just
said, "I figure after you got all these kids you'd get pregnant." Hmmm....
I'd have no regrets. I've chosen to adopt. It wasn't a last
option. We could always squeeze in another couple kids- by birth or
adoption. Besides.. if we did get pregnant it would be a miracle... we
made the choice of surgical sterilization several years back. Of course
that choice wasn't as obvious as our diverse family and not something I share
with everyone.
One Secondary Infertility Survivor
Married 10 years. Mom to
4.
