Repeat Miscarriage and Secondary Infertility for Christian Women

Leah after Judah - Hope in Secondary Infertility for Christian Women

Repeat Miscarriage

They call you a "habitual aborter" like somehow you did it on purpose, or a "spontaneous aborter", like you just forget to keep the baby in there in a momentary fit of forgetfulness while concentrating on something else. Pretty soon, pregnancy begins to mean more anxiety, not less. The objective is no longer GETTING pregnant, it is STAYING pregnant.

Most people who experience repeat miscarriages have a "safety point". A rough number of weeks beyond which they know that it will probably be all right. And it usually is. If I make it to eight weeks, I know I'll probably keep it. I have only had one later miscarriage, at 20 weeks, all the rest have been very early ones. But there have been a ton of those.

When the doctor asks me how many times I have been pregnant, and they ask me to count EVERY time, I say "About 30". And then they say, "Were all those confirmed by a doctor?" Well, no, but let's face it. I have given birth eight times, lost one at 20 weeks, had a miscarriage in the ER before the first full term pregnancy, I KNOW what pregnancy is and what it feels like! I get sick from the second day, and stay that way until I give birth. Pregnancy is radically different for me than normality. After confirming most of them with a pregnancy test, I eventually decided I did not want to waste the money unless I was at least 2-3 weeks late. And really, considering how many LIVE children I have, 30 pregnancies is not all that much, since I miscarried before having my first, then between almost all except the first two (with only 11 months between them there wasn't time!), sometimes twice, and then I miscarried every cycle but one during a period of almost two years. I know what it is like to have a heavy period, and what it is like to have a very early miscarriage and they are very different. I know the appearance of tissue as opposed to blood. I know what an umbilical cord looks like at 7 weeks. Those are things that are not mistakable.

For me, because I have had so many early miscarriages before I carried to term, I usually don't get very discouraged by one or two. But by the third or fourth, things are feeling pretty grim. I know that my ability to carry is affected by the number of children I have had. It is just harder for successful implantation to take place and stay secure. After Sidney (my daughter who died after birth), I really wanted to have another soon. Not to replace her, but because I felt she was preparing me partly for someone else. Like another baby was a continuation of something she started. So every month has been much harder than it would have been otherwise. Out of 6 cycles, I have miscarried during 3 of them. And it is harder to take. Harder to reconcile why the Lord would put this desire in my heart and then make me wait, perhaps to tell me "no" in the end. Because I did not ask for the desire to have more children. It came unbidden and I argued with it!

Repeat miscarriages compound for some people. One loss is an exception. Two is a pattern. Three is an unbelievably hurtful heartbreak. By then it starts to feel very personal. Hanging onto hope and faith can be quite difficult. You begin to wonder how much more mourning you can absorb. Grieving in itself becomes a burden.

As a general rule, women who miscarry very early grieve less intensely than those who miscarry later. The longer you have the baby, the harder it is - in general! But there are exceptions to that. If a baby is badly wanted, more intense grief may occur with an early miscarriage. Circumstances cause different responses, and it would be unwise to assume that because you miscarried at 3 months and felt a certain way, that someone miscarrying at 2 months must necessarily grieve less than you did. It is a very individual thing, and no matter when it happens, it can produce very hard mourning.

Grief is not something you "work out", or make go away. It is something you just cope with and react to as you feel you need to, until it has had its own way. While an effort should be made to resist losing yourself to it, and you should try to find normalizing activities as much as you are able, there is no one thing you can do to hurry it or make it go away. You just endure through it. It may revisit you in different forms for the rest of your life, but usually it fades to a familiar and copable feeling. It may never go away completely, but it becomes bearable, and normality returns - a different normality, but infused with typical joys and indifferences of typical life.

It has helped me to be involved in groups of women who have experienced something similar. Sometimes though, that can get too heavy, if I am having my own struggle, someone else's can be too much of an additional burden. Other times, it is a comfort to know I am not the only one to feel that way. Sometimes they can offer wisdom that helps me put it into perspective.

Some women name every baby they lose. It helps them to validate their grief. I did not feel the need for that for the early ones. I named my 20 weeker, and of course we named our Sidney. Just a personal choice though, no right or wrong.

I have not experienced repeated mid pregnancy loss, but I know people who have, and from my own losses can identify with their sorrow. I don't know what I get out of it, if anything at all. I do not feel thankful for the heartaches. I am grateful for the softening of my own heart that has been wrought from the furnace of sorrow, but I cannot find it in me to be thankful for the events themselves.

I have learned about some things that can contribute to early miscarriage. Please take these suggestions under advisement with your doctor, and do not suppose that I know the magical answer.

Blood sugar imbalances - Even minor ones can cause faulty implantation with someone whose system is prone to early loss anyway. High blood sugar reduces blood flow to the uterus.
High number of pregnancies - A woman's uterus just becomes a less favorable environment after many pregnancies.
Certain vitamin or mineral deficiencies - Be careful here, because too much can have the same effect! Make sure that a deficiency actually IS at fault before taking a supplement.
Anemia - Can interfere with implantation or nutritional support of the baby.
Circulatory problems - Same as with anemia, interferes with good blood supply to the uterus.
Chemical exposure by the mother or the father - Either one can introduce genetic abnormalities which prevent survival of an embryo.
Hormonal Imbalances - Many kinds of these, and they require diagnosis and treatment from a medical professional.
Immune System Malfunction - Again, there are multiple ways in which this can result in miscarriage, which require diagnosis and treatment from a professional.

I have studied this subject several times as I have experienced repeat miscarriages. I miscarried again just after building this site. It was a difficult one, because I felt someone's presence, and I felt them go. I begged the Lord that if I had to miscarry that I not do so at church. I started spotting at church, right before services started.

But I learned something from the miscarriage. I began using acidophilous milk on the second day, and that night I started having contractions. I have not had contractions with a miscarriage in 20 years! Instead I have always bled extremely heavily because my uterus did not contract down. This time, the bleeding came under control after I started using the acidophilous, and I had contractions for two days. Turns out acidophilous is a catalyst for certain vitamins, including vitamin K, and for some people who do not absorb it correctly, acidophilous can correct the deficiency. I also learned some new strategies for controlling my blood sugar. I am not sure it was worth a miscarriage to learn, but I can see that something came of it anyway.

So ovulation approaches again. And the difficult phase of the month begins again. Hoping, wishing I could just STOP hoping, anxiety if I AM pregnant. Hating the cycle, but not knowing any way to just get off.

"And she conceived again, and bare a son:and she said, Now I will praise the Lord: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing." Genesis 29:35

This site is titled after this verse, which speaks of Leah. This verse offers hope, because Leah did go on to bear more children.

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Reluctant Redneck - City kid moves west - family info, humor.
Sedentary Life - Help for people who must live a less active life.
MegaFamilies - Large family support site.
Love Is Archive - Stories of love and kindness.
Road Not Taken - Supporting the Hard Choices in Life.
Joy in Parenting - Practical parenting.
Frugal Infertility - Coping with infertility without medical help.

This site is provided for informational purposes only. The information here is not intended to diagnose or treat any condition, and should not replace the care and attention of qualified medical personnel. Use the information on these pages at your own risk, and, as with any information pertaining to health, nutrition, pregnancy, childbirth, or fitness, consult your physician before making any changes that might affect your overall health.